


All in the Cards

by DCHorror



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Blackjack, Strip Games
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-03 14:28:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11534145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DCHorror/pseuds/DCHorror
Summary: In which Vriska's plan to use a deck of cards to see a human boy thing goes wildly out of control when John decides to turn the attempt into a party game.





	1. The Rules/The Teams

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [A Night of Strip Poker](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8790298) by [desocupado](https://archiveofourown.org/users/desocupado/pseuds/desocupado). 
  * Inspired by [Strip Pokerstuck: Double Down](https://archiveofourown.org/works/384300) by [SideAnon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SideAnon/pseuds/SideAnon), [undeadclown](https://archiveofourown.org/users/undeadclown/pseuds/undeadclown). 
  * Inspired by [Strip Pokerstuck: God Tier Style](https://archiveofourown.org/works/368253) by [SideAnon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SideAnon/pseuds/SideAnon), [undeadclown](https://archiveofourown.org/users/undeadclown/pseuds/undeadclown). 



> Heh, this first chapter is actually probably the longest right now, and given the rules of the game, it's probably going to be that way just because the hands tend to be a lot shorter than you might normally see.
> 
> Anyway, just like the fics inspiring this, I actually am playing out each hand with a deck of 104 playing cards.

Your name is VRISKA SERKET, and you’re not entirely sure how it got to this point. You know this started with a HORNY TROLL, a DECK OF CARDS(X2), and a DESIRE TO SEE A HUMAN BOY THING, and maybe do other things besides. Leveraging all of the luck, you hunted down the human JOHN EGBERT and challenged him to a game of STRIP BLACKJACK. His enthusiasm initially seemed like a good omen of how things would go, but you are starting to realize using all of the luck may have been a mistake as you look at the other fourteen people in this room with you.

ARADIA MEGIDO is currently sitting in a corner conversing with SOLLUX CAPTOR and NEPETA LEIJON, presumably about some of the experiences of having previously been dead. MEENAH PEIXES would probably fit in that conversation too, were she not eyeing John like something to harpoon. You’d tell her to find her own human boy, but your eyes have already moved onto DAVE STRIDER somehow still looking like the insufferable cool guy he is even KARKAT VANTAS snuggled into his side. They seem to be whispering about some movie or other with ROSE LALONDE and KANAYA MARYAM. JADE HARLEY seems to be glancing at both boys a little less surreptitiously than would be considered polite, while simultaneously holding her own conversation with ROXY LALONDE and JAKE ENGLISH about proper gun care. JANE CROCKER is no doubt trying to get a laugh out of DIRK STRIDER(and succeeding against TEREZI PYROPE), wildly gesticulating while she tells an inane story about a lawman turned comedian or some other such tripe.

“Thank you for coming, everybody.” The conversations stop as John speaks up. He has somehow taken control of your admittedly salacious idea. “Vriska had a great idea, in that we all play a game of strip blackjack.” He smiles his goofy grin as he sorts through the deck, pulling out seemingly random cards.

“Dude, no.” Yessssssss! Dave Strider, insufferable prick that he is, shuts things down before things get awkward like his shitty metaphors shut down the shitty metaphor factory. Turn off the lines, Jim. There’s nothing more we can do. The shittiest shitty metaphor of metaphorical shittiness has been shat. Go home and tell your metaphorical children that you’re out of a shitty job. Where did that come from? You’re not currently being Dave Strider. Maybe this is a sign that you are spending way too much time around the humans. You go back to listening to what the actual Dave has to say on the matter. “Aside from the logistical nightmare of playing blackjack with sixteen people, half of the people in this room is related to somebody else also in this room.”

“Do I no longer interest you, Dave.” Rose wags her eyebrows suggestively. “I distinctly remember you being excited about such a prospect.”

“Nope. No.” Dave starts waving his hands in front of his face. “Hell no. Nuh uh. We are not talking about this. This right here is not a thing that we will talk about.” He slams his fist onto the floor. “This is a thing we are not talking about so much the mutes of mute island are silently amazed at how much we’re not fucking talking about this. They are raising golden statues of monkeys covering their mouths in honor of how much we are not talking about this thing. They’ve started deifying-”

“DAVE.”

“Yeah, Brokat?”

“YOU’RE RAMBLING. SHUT UP.”

“I don’t see what the big deal is.” Jade pipes up with an innocent, toothy grin. “Aren’t you a cool guy who likes doing cool things?”

“Did you just call my chill into question?”

Roxy fakes a gasp as she looks scandalously at Jade. “You called his chill into question?”

“It seems pretty questionable,” Dirk smirks. “Not even heated up yet, and you’re ready to bail?”

For but a moment, everything seems to come to a stop. In fact, judging by Aradia rolling her eyes, you can assume that Dave literally brought everything to a stop. But then, Dave is just looking at Dirk(at least, in his direction. It’s hard to tell what he’s looking at through the shades). “Oh, you almost had me. I was just at the edge of playing this game of debauchery, but then I was reminded this asshole was here. Frankly, I’ve seen more than enough brong to last all our life times.”

“To be fair, that wasn’t my brong,” Dirk replied with a raised eyebrow.

“See, this is why I’m not going to play this game. This conversation right here holds all the nopes. Let me count them for you.” He starts tapping each of the fingers on one hand in turn a few times. “Yep, all of them. I’m flipping off the handle in some sort of amazing pirouette out of this game.”

And suddenly Dave proceeded to do jack all.

“D4V3?”

“I’m obviously not going anywhere. I have to have my shit fits. It’s part of my charm.”

“Whether you have any charms or not is certainly debatable, but that’s not why we’re here.” John has finished pulling cards out of the deck and is now Indian shuffling the cards he pulled out. “All of the various team leaders agreed that it would make for a great team bonding exercise.”

“I DIDN’T AGREE TO SHIT.”

Ooooooooh, this is perfect!!!!!!!! Karkat doesn’t seem opposed to the game, but he might call the entire thing off just on principle for being snubbed.

“Actually, you ceded leadership to me on the victory platform.”

W8, what? Why did you say that! You had an out!

“OH, THAT’S RIGHT.”

“Anyways,” John rolls his eyes as he finishes shuffling the smaller set of cards, “Dave is kinda right. Sixteen people would be a bit unwieldy to play, which is why we’re going to play in pairs.” He starts passing cards out to everyone present. “Partners are randomly assigned, in that you pair up with the person who has the matching card to the one you’re getting right now.”

Meenah flips her card over quickly, revealing that she has the Ace of Hearts.

“So, first off, instead of playing against a House, we’ll be playing against each other. That way only one team can lose each round, and the deck gets shuffled at the end of each hand.”

Jake flips over his King of Clubs.

“The team with the lowest hand loses that round and an article of clothing.”

Dirk reveals his King of Hearts and looks…much the same as ever. What is it with Strider’s and their stone wall faces?

“However, if you bust, the hand ends immediately and your team loses two articles of clothing.”

Roxy flips her King of Diamonds, then theatrically pouts at Dirk.

“Ties for lowest hand will be broken by individual values of each highest card in a hand.”

Another King of Clubs is placed face up by Aradia.

“Ah, Ms. Megido, it would seem we have been made partners in this adventure of debauchery.”

“Which seems as good a point to bring up the next rule. When you lose a hand, your partner removes the article of clothing for you.”

“oh yes, we should endeavor to keep this party quite lively” Aradia levels her wide grin at Jake and he responds by huddling in on himself and tugging on the collar of his shirt.

Meanwhile, Kanaya has flipped over the Ace of Diamonds.

“Yes, right. Anyways, if someone gets 21, the hand also ends there, regardless if anyone’s not finished drawing and they get to take the losing teams’ article of clothing, which they can use in place of losing one of their own later.”

Sollux reveals the King of Hearts. “2tuck wiith iin2ufferable priick 2.0? ii can work wiith that.”

“OF COURSE YOU WOULD SAY THAT.”

“Of Course You Would Say That.”

“of course you would say that”

“2hut up.”

“If you get a blackjack, in addition to getting a piece of the losers clothing, you get to challenge them to do a dare.”

Jade turns the King of Spades over.

“Ties between blackjack’s will be determined by drawing additional cards until one of the teams draws a higher card.

Terezi Pyrope reveals the Ace of Hearts. “WH4T 1D G3T?”

“You're wit)( me, crazy blind gill.”

“You can split on doubles, but if either of your hands loses, you have to take a dare from whoever won the hand. Otherwise, I guess if we need to come up with any other rules, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”

Karkat turns over his Ace of Clubs.

Dave and Nepeta both quickly turn over their cards, respectively revealing the King of Spades and King of Diamonds. “Aw...”

“Hey, I get to play with the cool kid.” Jade flashes her bucktoothed grin.

“Woot!” Roxy throws her arms in the air. “I get to play dress down with sweet sweet Nepeta!”

Nepeta unsuccessfully fights down an olive blush while Jane reveals her Ace of Diamonds. “That means I’m playing with Kanaya, right?”

“That would seem to be the case.” Rose hums as she flips her own card to show the Ace of Clubs. “This is most interesting.”

“YEAH, WHAT A FUCKING DELIGHT.”

John is waving his card, an Ace of Spades at you.

VRISKA: FLIP YOUR CARD

Ace of Spades.

Yessssssss!

W8, noooooooo!

Aaaaaaaauuuuuuuugh!

This is g8, but at the same time, not. Alternia to John, come in John! This was supposed to be a priv8 fucking affair.

John, seemingly oblivious to your internal freakout, has collected all the cards again and is now shuffling the deck of cards. “Um, this will probably work better if everyone sits next to their partner.”

Everyone shuffles around for a bit until you’ve all formed a rough circle with everyone sitting next to their partner. To your left is John, who is beside Aradia and Jake, followed by Terezi and Meenah, after which is Roxy and Nepeta, then Jane and Kanaya, then Rose and Karkat, followed by Dave and Jade, and finally Dirk and Sollux.

John smiles at the group, having finished shuffling the cards, and starts passing out hands to everybody.


	2. Hand 1

VRISKA: SURVEY THE BOARD

John has finished doling out cards to all the players and you take a moment to see what everyone has.

Aradia & Jake: 4♣  
Terezi & Meenah: 6♥  
Roxy & Nepeta: J♣  
Jane & Kanaya 8♥  
Rose & Karkat: A♥  
Dave & Jade: 10♦  
Dirk & Sollux: J♦  
John & Vriska: Q♥

“Um, check for blackjacks,” John says slightly nervously as he looks around the board himself. A quick round of the table has everyone denying having a blackjack.

“Hit me, my good man,” Jake smirks as he and Aradia look at their hidden card. The smirk dies a little as a Queen of Clubs lands on their stack.

“Yea)( yea)(, )(it me too, blue buoy.” Meenah’s smile widens as they receive a King of Clubs and she reveals the hidden Five of Hearts. “S)(ell yea)(. Blind gill and me gonna sweep t)(is silly game. Glub glub”

After confirming Meenah and Terezi have 21, everyone reveals their hands.

Aradia & Jake: A ♥, 4 ♣, Q♣  
Terezi & Meenah: 5 ♥, 6 ♥, K ♣  
Roxy & Nepeta: J♣, 4♦  
Jane & Kanaya: 3 ♣, 8♥  
Rose & Karkat: 5♣, A♥  
Dave & Jade: 10♦, 3♥  
Dirk & Sollux: 9 ♠, J♦  
John & Vriska: 4♠, Q♥

“Oh no! We’re already losing!”

“Relax” Kanaya says soothingly. “We Are Only Down One Piece Of Clothing If It Makes You Feel More At Ease We Can Start With One Of My Shoes” She moves her legs from under her to give Jane access to them.

“I, um, yeah. We can do that.” Jane carefully pulls off one of Kanaya’s shoes.

“Aw yes. Gimme t)(at suckerfis)(.” Meenah reaches over and nicks the shoe from Jane’s hands. “Gotta love t)(at immunity.”

Jake rolls his eyes at the teenage batterwitch as he grabs the deck and starts shuffling. “If you’ll pardon me saying so, I know that blackjack can be a quick paced game but that hand seemed excessively short.”

Rose shrugs. “The house rules do seem to be in place to make hands go faster, but given the nature of this game, that doesn’t seem so detrimental.

Jake returns a noncommittal shrug of his own as he starts dealing out cards himself.


	3. Hand 2

VRISKA: TAKE IN THE SIGHTS

Aradia & Jake: 7 ♦  
Terezi & Meenah: K♥  
Roxy & Nepeta: 2♣  
Jane & Kanaya: 4♥  
Rose & Karkat: J♦  
Dave & Jade: 6♠  
Dirk & Sollux: ♠  
John & Vriska: 3♥

“BLACKJACK!”

Barely a moment has passed, and Meenah flips over their hidden Ace of Hearts.

“OH COME ON! HOW IS THIS ANY FUN AT ALL IF THE PRINCESS WINS EVERY HAND?”

“I'm )(aving quite a bit of fun, S)(outy. T)(ank you very muc)(.”

Aradia & Jake: 5♦, 7♦  
Terezi & Meenah: A♥, K♥  
Roxy & Nepeta: 4♣, 2♣  
Jane & Kanaya: 4♥, A♠  
Rose & Karkat: J♦, Q♣  
Dave & Jade: 10♣, 6♠  
Dirk & Sollux: 10♦, 3♠  
John & Vriska: 3♥, 3♥

“Gr8, now we’re losing.” You glare at your worthless card. “Where’d you learn to shuffle, Joke? Give me your foot, John.”

“What?”

“You are planning on 8eing the gentleman here, yes? You wouldn’t let a fair maiden disro8e 8efore you, right?”

You roughly grab his leg and pull off his shoe, smirking as you toss the offending article at Meenah. Your smirk fails you, however, as you notice the pair smiling at you and John predatorily. “Why aren’t you shuffling the cards?”

“1N DU3 T1M3, S1ST3R OF M1N3” Terezi starts with a bit of a cackle. “BUT F1RST, YOU OW3 US 4 D4R3” The blind girl leans over to whisper in Meenah’s earfin.

“O)(, yea)(, t)(at's good. Let's start t)(is fis)( fry.” The fish princess directs her attention back to you. “I dare ya to give -Eridan a lap dance.”

You drop your head into your hands. This is definitely not the direction you expected your night to take.

“Okay.” John stands up and walks out of the room.

“Wh8t?”

A silence filled the room.

“Wh8t?”

“I dared Fishka.”

“I Think You Dared Vriskas Team” Kanaya supplied helpfully. “Whichever One Takes It Might Be Entirely Up To Them”

“Wh8t?”

“Oh man, I gotta go see this.” Dave gets to his feet and goes out the door after John, the rest of the group following him.

You look at the deck of cards, then the doorway. “Wh8t?”

VRISKA: CHASE AFTER HIM

No no no no no no no no!

You are dashing out of the room the moment your brain stops malfunctioning. The group seems to have stopped not to far ahead of where you are.

“Oh, hey Eridan. I was just looking for you.”

“Egbert WWerent you playin your silly game”

“Yeah, but something came up.” You see John pick up Eridan by the armpits and set him down in a nearby chair. “Sit there for a minute?”

“WWater you doing” Eridan growls out. “WWhy are you lettin him do this”

You skid to a halt just behind the group as they all start to laugh at the sight.

“WWhy wwont you stop”

Your brain breaks as you watch John awkwardly grind his butt into Eridan’s lap. His gyrations are awful, he doesn’t know what to do with his hands, but his butt is nonetheless in Eridan’s lap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that was maybe not a good dare to go with. Probably going to chalk that up to Terezi and Meenah being impatient and not waiting to spring such a dare when more clothes are lost, or recognizing that they very well may not get another chance to use one against Vriska.


	4. Hand 3

VRISKA: GO BACK TO THE GAME

 

You’re not really able to do that right now. John might be leading you back to the game room with everybody else, but you can’t quite get past the images. They might be burned into your brain.

 

VRISKA: BE SOMEBODY ELSE

 

You can do that. In fact, you already are.

 

You are now Jade Harley. You can’t believe how lucky you got with the random pairing. Other than Vriska and John, you don’t think anyone else got partnered with exactly who they wanted. And yeah, he’ll end up going back to his room with Karkat tonight, you’ll get to feel him up now. If you ever lose, that is. And it might hurt later getting so close and getting nothing, but hey, you take what you can get.

 

JADE: LOOK AT YOUR HAND

 

Oh, yeah, Meenah just dealt out everyone’s cards. You should probably see what you have to play with.

 

Aradia & Jake: 8♥

Terezi & Meenah: 6♥

Roxy & Nepeta: 4♣

Jane & Kanaya: 9♦

Rose & Karkat: 9♥

Dave & Jade: 8♠

Dirk & Sollux: 6♥

John & Vriska: Q♦

 

“SO, WILL WE ACTUALLY GET TO PLAY THIS HAND?”

 

Vriska is still looking pretty blissed out, but John looks at his hidden card and smiles. “Maybe. Just don’t get 21 again?”

 

“Yesh, totes going for the twenny one, babe.” Roxy hugs Nepeta against her. “Hit me.” She receives a 2 of Hearts. “Dang...”

 

Jade and Kanaya quietly converse for a moment before Kanaya turns her attention to Meenah. “Hit Me” A 2 of Diamonds lands on their stack.

 

Rose looks at the deck for a moment, then whispers in Karkat’s ear. “YEAH, YEAH. HIT ME.” A 10 of Spades lands on top of their stack. “OH MY GOG! DID YOU USE YOUR SEER POWERS TO MAKE US LOSE THIS HAND?”

 

“Karkat, are you accusing me of using my god powers to cheat, badly, at a simple card game?” Rose reaches forward and flips their 4 of Diamonds over. Then she puts one of her feet on Karkat’s lap. “Quite frankly, I am a little insulted.”

 

“THAT MIGHT FLY A LITTLE BETTER IF YOU ACTUALLY DENIED MY ACCUSATION,” he growls as he removes one of Rose’s boots. They then switch positions so that she can remove one of his shoes before both throw the pieces behind them.

 

 

“Honestly, if I were to cheat, would it not make more sense to do so in a way that keeps us both clothed?”

 

All the cards have been collected, and passsed on to Roxy and Nepeta.

 

“WHO KNOWS WITH YOUR INSUFFERABLE MIND GAMES? YOU COULD BE SIZING ME UP TO ENSURE I’M RIGHT FOR YOUR BROTHER OR YOU MIGHT BE TRYING TO STEAL ME AWAY FROM HIM. YOU’RE MIND DOES SEEM TO BE A SUFFICIENTLY LABYRINTHIAN PLACE.”

 

And Roxy starts dealing out the cards again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not entirely sure where the Rose/Kanaya thing came from here. I didn't intend on splitting them up, I still don't intend on splitting them up. I'm assuming at this point that a story is going to really start to spring up and one of the things that will be covered will be where they stand, but truthfully who knows. Where ever the muse takes us we shall go.


	5. Hand 4

JADE: CONCENTRATE ON THE GAME

Well, you are, but that doesn’t mean you can’t listen to Rose and Karkat talk.

“Why would you think that I would do such a thing? I do have a Matesprit.”

“IS THAT STILL TRUE, KANAYA?”

Maybe you should look at the cards, after all.

“We Are On A Break Until Rose Is No Longer On The Human Soporifics”

oh no

“Rose, you’re drinking again?”

“A nightcap is hardly drinking again.”

“A Bottle Of Wine Every Night Is Hardly A Nightcap”

You, uh, you should really look at the cards.

Aradia & Jake: J♦  
Terezi & Meenah: 9♣  
Roxy & Nepeta: 3♥  
Jane & Kanaya: 9♠  
Rose & Karkat: J♠  
Dave & Jade: 6♣  
Dirk & Sollux: K♣  
John & Vriska: 5♥

“WHAT IS IT WITH LIGHT PLAYERS AND THEIR SELF DESTRUCTIVE TENDENCIES?”

Jane timidly looks at Kanaya and her’s cards, then places a hand on top of it. “We’re going to stay.”

“So are we.” Rose glares at Karkat. “This might surprise the Prospit dreamers in the room, but the Horrorterrors whispered to me long before I entered the game. Is it really so wrong to want to dull the nightmares?”

This is feeling might uncomfortable to you. You distract yourself by checking your hidden card, a 10 of Diamonds. You look at Dave, but he seems to be looking anywhere but in a direction that has someone in it.

“Can we talk about this later.”

Yeah, you’re thinking that may be the better idea. “We’re going to stay too.”

“Now, just )(old on a glubbin minute!” Meenah practically snarls across the room. “T)(ere's a lot of Derse dreamers )(ere. S)(ell, t)(e Prospit dreamers didn't get off wit)(out sufferin because of t)(at game. Glub to salmon aboat t)(e game, if t)(at's w)(at you need to do, but don't act pike blamin all your prawnblems on t)(e game will make t)(em ok.”

“Can we please get back to this game that we are playing right now?”

“Agreed.” Sollux places a hand on his cards. “2tay.”

John looks uncomfortably around the room. “Um, jeeze. This got heavier than expected. Hey, Vris, you back from La La Land?” He pokes Vriska’s shoulder, earning an incoherent giggle from the girl. “Aw, what the hell, I’ll take the hit.” His goofy smile faltered as a 10 of Hearts lands on his stack. “Well, crud.” He reveals his hidden card for another 10, this one of Spades. Then he reaches down and tugs off one of Vriska’s shoes. “Hey, Vriska. I need you to strip me again.” He gently shakes her shoulder this time, but receives more or less the same giggle. He shrugs at the room, then gently tugs off her other shoe and tosses both behind them.

Kanaya grabs the deck of cards and starts shuffling it quietly.


	6. Hand 5

JADE: BE SOMEONE ELSE

Yeah, that’s probably a good idea. It looks like Vriska is coming back around, after all.

VRISKA: WHAT HAPPENED?

That’s not a command.

VRISKA: TELL US WHAT HAPPENED?

Well, yeah, you’re going to do that, but it didn’t need to be phrased as a question like that. Anyway, Kanaya just dealt out cards to the entire group, a little forcefully for the ones she gave Rose and Karkat. You don’t really know what’s going on there, but suspect it might have something to do with Kanaya and Karkat hanging with each other a lot lately. You take a moment to look over the board.

Aradia & Jake: A♥  
Terezi & Meenah: 8♠  
Roxy & Nepeta: 3♣  
Jane & Kanaya: 5♦  
Rose & Karkat: K♦  
Dave & Jade: 6♦  
Dirk & Sollux: 2♠  
John & Vriska: 2♦

VRISKA: THAT’S NOT WHAT WE WANTED TO KNOW

Well, Rose and Karkat are whispering furiously. Karkat looks mad, but it’s not enough to stop Rose from saying “Hit me.” An 8 of Diamonds lands on their stack, prompting Karkat to flip over their 3 of Spades.

VRISKA: WHAT PUT YOU OUT OF SORTS?

That’s not important. You need to see who lost the hand.

VRISKA: TELL US WHAT HAPPENED

You were totally not daydreaming about getting tagteamed by your ex and crush. Oh look at that, everyone has flipped their cards over.

Aradia & Jake: A♥, 8♣  
Terezi & Meenah: 8♠, 2♣  
Roxy & Nepeta: 3♣, Q♦  
Jane & Kanaya: 5♦, 10♦  
Rose & Karkat: K♦, 8♦, 3♠  
Dave & Jade: 6♦, 9♠  
Dirk & Sollux: 2♠, Q♥  
John & Vriska: 2♦, Q♠

“Waterever.” Meenah tosses Kanaya’s shoe at Rose. “Be a borin game if none of ya got close ta seain my junk. Knot t)(at you will, mind. Just won't be fun if you don't get teased.”

Kanaya hands the deck to Karkat.


	7. Hand 6

VRISKA: OBSERVE THE BOARD

You can’t do that, because there isn’t a board yet. Karkat is still doing this weird thing where he cuts the deck into four stacks, indian shuffles each stack, and then bridge shuffles the stacks back together.

VRISKA: WHAT?

That’s not really a command, but whatever. You can work with it. “What are you doing?”

“SHUFFLING THE DECK.” He responds gruffly as he starts on his fourth iteration.

“No, everyone else shuffled the deck. YOU are dismantling it.”

“THIS IS OBVIOUSLY A NEW DECK OF CARDS AND HASN’T BEEN PROPERLY MIXED YET. EGDERP SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS, BUT NOW I HAVE.” Karkat finishes shuffling, and starts passing out cards to every team.

VRISKA: NOW OBSERVE THE BOARD

Aradia & Jake: Q♥  
Terezi & Meenah: 9♥  
Roxy & Nepeta: 8♥  
Jane & Kanaya: 9♥  
Rose & Karkat: 10♠  
Dave & Jade: Q♠  
Dirk & Sollux: 6♣  
John & Vriska: 9♣

“Stay.” Dave smirks as he shows Jade their cards.

“Hiit me.” Sollux snarls as Dirk nods, and a 7 of diamonds lands on their stack.

VRISKA: LOOK AT YOUR CARDS.

That’s simple, cause John is trying to show them to you. You’re hiding a Ten of Hearts. “I believe we’re going to stay.”

Jake and Aradia barely even look at their cards before simultaneously saying “Stay.”

“Yea)(, w)(atever. We’re staying too.” Meenah grumbles at the lack of action.

“Ooo, ooo, hits me.” Roxy lets out a lusty sigh as a Six of Spades lands on their stack. “Yeah, thas the good stuff.”

For her part, Nepeta seems to be fighting the urge to hide behind Roxy while wrestling with indecision on whether or not she actually wants to lean into the girl.

“We Shall Be Staying Too.” Kanaya intones after a whispered discussion with Jane.

“And we will take the hit.” Rose smirks triumphantly as a Five of Diamonds joins her and Karkat’s cards.

“OH, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT. WE ACTUALLY GOT ALL THE WAY AROUND THE BOARD. MAYBE IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT THE DECK ACTUALLY GOT SHUFFLED?”

“T)(at )(and was borin, S)(outy. And it took ya five minnows to set up.”

“YEAH YEAH, I’LL GIVE YOU THAT.”

“Hehe. Youre 2uch a lo2er, even when youre riight, kk. Were goiing two 2tay thii2 tiime.”

“Nepeta thinks we are purrfectly happy with our hand,” the small girl says just loud enough for everyone to hear from behind Roxy’s shoulder.

Rose waggles her eyebrows at Karkat as she reaches for the deck. “NOPE.” Karkat responds by flipping their last card over. “WE’RE STAYING. I DON’T KNOW WHAT SICK AND TWISTED GAME YOU’RE TRYING TO PLAY IS LALONDE, BUT I WON’T PLAY ALONG.”

VRISKA: REVEAL YOUR CARDS.

That does seem to be the thing to do in this situation.

Aradia & Jake: Q♥, 9♣  
Terezi & Meenah: 9♥, K♦  
Roxy & Nepeta: 8♥, 5♥, 6♠  
Jane & Kanaya: 8♠, 9♥  
Rose & Karkat: 2♥, 5♦, 10♠  
Dave & Jade: Q♠, J♦  
Dirk & Sollux: 7♦, 6♣, 4♥  
John & Vriska: 10♥, 9♣

“Wow.” John lets out a whistle. “Four way tie for last place.”

“Didn’t have to be,” Rose says with an imperious grin, flipping over the top card of the deck for a Four of Clubs. “Maybe you should trust me sometimes, Karkat.”

“MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T CHEAT.”

“Maybe you should chill.” Dirk casually puts his foot in Sollux’s lap. “I’m all for a good catfight, but I think I’d prefer it to involve the actual cat girl in the room.”

“What are you doiing?”

“We got the lowest high card, which means we lost.” He smiles easily. “I don’t mind disrobing you, but I get the feeling it would be better to let you take our busts, since two’s seem to be written into your soul.”

“Alriight, whatever.” Sollux roughly pulls off Dirk’s shoe and throws it behind them while about half the room chuckles.

“Careful, sempai. I bruise easily.”

Dave stoically takes the deck and starts shuffling.

“Move your foot, a22wiipe, or iill move iit for you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The troll quirks are giving my spellchecker hell.
> 
> Also, Nepeta's line is right, and not Roxy repeating for her. She's speaking in the third person because she's roleplaying as a version of herself who's confident enough to play a strip game with her (unavailable) crush, and more specifically, she's describing an action. Additionally, she's using Nepeta instead of AC because she's not currently using a chat client. This actually almost came up last chapter before I realized I misread the hand values and would have been much clearer in the execution I originally set up, but in using it here I felt I needed the explanation that I did not flub my word choice in that line.


	8. Hand 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was posting this chapter and realized I had not posted a previous chapter. Hand 4 was originally posted with the contents of Hand 5, which might explain for anyone who was wondering, why I said Roxy was dealing and then had Kanaya doing it. Chapter is properly posted now.

VRISKA: WATCH DAVE PASS OUT CARDS

You can't do that, because they're already sitting in front of you. They weren't a second ago, and you didn't see Dave passing out the cards, but Aradia and Dirk are both shaking their heads at the blonde boy. At any rate, you decide it's still important to see what everyone has.

Aradia & Jake: Q♠  
Terezi & Meenah: 9♥  
Roxy & Nepeta: A♠  
Jane & Kanaya: 4♣  
Rose & Karkat: J♦  
Dave & Jade: 7♥  
Dirk & Sollux: 7♥  
John & Vriska: 10♦

John lifts up your hidden card to show that you also have a Ten of Clubs

VRISKA: SPLIT THOSE TENS

You wonder if that's really a good idea. Splitting doesn't actually give you any benefit in this game, and a twenty definitely means you won't be the loser of this round. While you could end up pulling a blackjack(or two) with the new draws, you could just as easily end up with a worse hand.

VRISKA: SPLIT THOSE TENS

Sure, why not. You flip over your Ten of Clubs to split your hand, and two cards appear face down on the under each card. John goes to check them, showing a Seven of Diamonds and Nine of Clubs respectively.

Dirk leans forward, placing his hand on Sollux and his stack. "We're going to stay."

You look at the hand you took in front of you. It would be stupid to take a hit on a 19. "Yeah, I'm staying too."

"Same." John says quickly, sporting his goofy grin again.

"Well, gosh. I can't see any reason we shouldn't stay."

"W3LL, W3 S33 3V3RY R34SON TO T4K3 4 H1T" Terezi takes a long sniff in the direction of the card that appears on their stack, a Three of Spades, before switching to her predatory grin. "B34UT1FUL!"

"Les take a hit too." A Three of Clubs appears on their stack.

"Um...we'd like a card to."

"You Are Supposed To Say Hit Me."  
An Ace of Hearts adds itself to their cards.

"I don't want him to hit me, I want him to deal me a card."

"It Is A Parlance Of The Game."

"Proper detectives play poker, not blackjack. How would you expect me to know that?"

"WE'RE GO-"

"Hit me," Rose interrupts with a smug grin, watching as a Six of Hearts appears. She then tosses Kanaya's shoe behind her before offering Karkat her slippered foot.

"WHAT THE FUCK, LALONDE?" Karkat roughly removes Rose's slipper, sending it to join the rest of the footwear behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I now understand why I kept stumbling across Rose♠Karkat this weekend.


End file.
